Friday, December 28, 2012

Pursuing the Sunrise

Thanksgiving weekend marked six months since Ava's death. Far from feeling grateful, I felt overcome. For weeks I'd sensed I was slowly slipping toward despair.

"I dreamed...I was frantically running west, trying desperately to catch [the setting sun] but I was loosing the race...I glanced over my shoulder to the east. I saw a vast darkness closing in on me".*

Round moons, and all the tulips in Holland couldn't change the fact that this life of pain and sorrow was threatening to swallow me.  From where I sat, in the throws of depression, the truths I'd believed, rehearsed, written and proclaimed couldn't gain traction.

In desperation, I sent a text.

"...I think it's about time..."

A friend responded with the number for her grief counselor, and I sat in a puddle of tears. I made an appointment, and called my doctor.

This life we have lived over the past seven and a half years has been so filled with emergencies and coping and necessary compartmentalizing that I have simply been unable to thoroughly grieve all the losses and disappointments and sorrows. And now I don't have a choice. My body is telling me that my heart needs some attention.  Some space to grieve, to be angry, disappointed and undone...and to let God meet me there.

"...the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise."*

I am choosing to walk into the darkness of grief and to open myself to the sorrow.  The medication I'm taking is helping my brain to feel safe to process and has lifted the veil of despair enough for me to remember what I want, and what I know is true.  I am spending time with a grief counselor regularly and am grateful for this sacred place.

It's time to take care of myself. For Ava, for my family, and for me.


*Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm proud of you. Your heart needs mending and your soul needs rest. Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you're getting help to grieve.. I can't imagine anyone could go through what you and Matt have gone through without a lot of help from friends, family, strangers and professionals. Best of luck to you.

The Haydens... said...

THANK YOU for sharing so openly and honestly about your struggle and the steps you're taking to grieve...it helps undo some of the negative stigma that still exists around therapy and taking medication for anxiety and depression when it makes sense. I have had to do both over the years, although I've not been through anything like you have...but I know these tools work. We will continue to pray for you!

Courtney said...

I am so glad you are finding ways to process all of the things that have happened the last several years. Still praying for you guys. Let me know if you want a playdate one of these days. :)

Thuy said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. You encourage so many people, myself included. May Jesus be so near to you as you enter this season of processing the loss and struggles you and your family have endured.

Michele said...

I was touched to hear your story for the first time just today. To hear you proclaim the goodness of God despite the pain and trials of the present was like sweet honey to my heart. God is good, as you know, he meets us in the darkness and lifts us out of our pain. I have had 3 miscarriages (far different that what you have suffered) but God saved me through the first loss and has brought good through each of the later losses. One thing that has helped me to cope with losing these children is the knowledge that they now rejoice with our lord, free of pain and suffering never to know it again. Singing with the angles "holy holy holy" in a sin free state, with no tears only the bright shinning glory of our lord, soon to be joined (for eternity) by those here who love the Lord. I truly hope that this was a small encouragement to you as you are being to many others. In Christ. Michele (be praying for you)

Sara said...

I am grateful to each of you for your comments here. Your encouragement, your support, your willingness to share your own journey...each effort on your part brings comfort and displays the grace of God to me. Thank you, thank you.

Anonymous said...

Just spent the last 1 1/2 hour reading your blog/journey. I've met you both, enjoyed sitting in front of Sara and hearing her beautiful voice, welcomed Matt to the "greeting team" when you first arrived, and reading about your precious family. There are many people praying, there have been many beautiful bible passages shared with you, so I have no words and just prayers, lots of prayers and thoughts each time I look into each of your eyes! Gods Peace!

Sara said...

Thank you for taking the time to write. Your prayers and thoughts are a precious gift.

mongollisa said...

Sara....you don't know me. In fact, I'm writing from the other side of the world! We have been "ambassadors of the gospel" in Mongolia for the past 20 yrs. and I no doubt am closer to your mom's age! (53) Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you. I don't remember how I found you, but my heart goes out to you. God often tells us in His word to "look back" "remember"....with this focus being on what He has done. I am sure that this exercise is strengthening to your faith just now. But not only yours....your blog has been a spot where you have not only recorded what He was doing in your lives for your own family, but it also has been a great encouragement to others, myself being one. Your steadfastness in the midst of, really, nearly non-stop difficulty - and your ability to see the blessings of God along the way -- has been a great example. So good now that you are stepping back and seeking help thru Godly counsel. May our Lord use this time to restore your energy and heal your emotions....

Be of good courage, dear younger sister in Christ!

Lisa

Tosontsengel, Mongolia

Sara said...

Lisa, thank you for taking the time to write. I'm amazed at the faithfulness of our God to weave our stories for His glory! Your words are a gift to me, and your prayers are treasured. God has met me in this quiet season, and I'm so thankful.
Blessings, Sara